Seriously lacking in seminary training is the "how to" of doing a funeral. There are several of these glaring omissions in seminary education, but this one is crucial to ministry. I do not know why these practical elements of pastoring are missing.
My dear friend, after one year of seminary I was drawn back into the life of a pastor when our church at the time called me to take over from the departing pastor, my friend and mentor. My greatest fear was having to do a funeral. In 6 years of assisting the senior pastor we never really had to do a lot of funeral services and with working full time at a bookstore I was not personally able to attend anyways. What was I going to do if a church member passed away? I was paralyzed emotionally when I thought about it.
As circumstances would dictate, and possibly as the Lord directed, my first funeral was my own grandmother. She was 92 and failing in health when she passed. The advantage of having such a close relative die was that I knew her and her family. I had the blessing and support of uncles and aunts, my mother and father and the rest of our relatives as I prepared for this service. Perhaps in hindsight it was too easy as there was much to learn.
One of the first things I learned early in ministry concerning crisis visitation (ie. emergency situations, surgeries, etc) as well as funeral work was when a member dies you must do one thing: GO! Go and be with the family in their initial grief. Sitting and thinking about what to do is simply a waste of time. Case in point: I received a call one night after midnight that left me in shock. My friend had apparently been taken to the emergency and his brother-in-law revealed that he may already be dead. As I hung up and lay next to my wife I kept thinking about what to do. Eventually my wife confirmed what I was thinking - I should go to the hospital. To do what? To say what? It didn't matter. What mattered was being there and talking to the family, hugging them, crying with them, listening to their words of grief and shock.
Go! That is the first thing a pastor needs to do. And it is the most important at a time when a family needs spiritual care. Be there.
Being present affords the opportunity to listen and hear the hearts of the family. While the family prepares for the funeral the next day or two they will inevitably tell stories about the loved one. Listen to these stories and remember them. Even if they told them they find it comforting to know that you listened and remembered and related them in the sermon you will preach. It is ironic that it is their story and you are telling it but it impresses the family that you cared enough to repeat it as an analogy. These stories and others you may know of if you know the person make for wonderful illustrations to highlight the message. Only remember this: our job as pastors is not to glorify or canonize as a saint the person who we are memorializing. This is inappropriate. The focus ought to be the Word of God as it calls the congregations attention to the grace and mercy of God who is truly the central personality of every funeral.
more in the next installment.
