DID YOU GET WHAT
YOU WANTED?
A
commonly asked question after Christmas is, “What did you get?” After a pause
to think about it, we recite a list of gifts and the people who gave them. A
follow-up question is occasionally asked, “Did you get what you wanted?” For
some this is a cause of conflict, especially if you were hoping for a specific
item.
A wife and mother who worked as a
receptionist at a dentist’s office found her chair did not give very good
support. So in anticipation of Christmas, she asked for the Lumbar Support
3000, or some such thing, in yellow. She told her husband. She told her three
children to remind their dad of her request. But as is the case in some
households, neither the dad nor the children were paying close attention.
When the time came to purchase a
gift for the wife and mother, the dad could not remember what she wanted. He
asked the children. They had a vague idea. At the mall the husband actually
noticed the yellow lumbar support item but thought it too practical and assumed
he would catch fire for such a gift. Instead, he bought a pair of yellow pants
for his wife, remembering somehow that yellow was part of the request.
Opening the gift later, the wife and
mother freaked out. She had specifically told them all what she wanted. Times
like this are a source of conflict in families. We want what we want and when
we don’t get it, we are disappointed, disillusioned and frustrated. We may even
get angry.
This wife did get angry but she also
found a solution: she took the yellow pants, rolled them up, and made a lumbar
support out of them.
When we don’t get what we wanted out
of our relationships we experience conflict. This is true in our families and
in our church. Church conflict, frustration with the way we worship or operate,
is a common conflict in all churches. It is clear that James had to address
conflict in a church that was only twenty years old. Chapter 4 of James is all
about resolving conflict in the church.
A summary of James 4:1-12 looks like
this:
1-3 To resolve conflict, evaluate your
motives.
4-10 To resolve conflict, turn from the world
and submit to God.
11-12 To resolve conflict stop judging others and
submit to God’s Word.
Today
we want to look at verses 1-3 and identify the source of conflict and what we
ought to do about it.
1.
Identifying the source of your conflict
a) The cause of
all conflict begins with the self – Church conflict is not unique. We
know the Corinthian church had divisions over several issues; Paul singled out
two women in Philippi who were at odds; Galatian believers were biting and
devouring each other. So it is not surprising that James had to write about
conflict to this church.
He asked, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your
desires that battle within you?” (4:1). Another translation says it a bit
better: “What is the source of quarrels
and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your
members?” (NASB).
The difference is the expression “in
your members.” This could mean “members” of the church, or the different parts
of your own body. Likely, James means that the conflict is found in your very
own “self.” As long as we live in these bodies, though we are saved by grace
through Christ, we still have those sinful inclinations that war within. The
fight is greater now that we believe.
Tasker wrote, “What (James) asserts
is that the human personality has, as it were, been invaded by an alien army
which is always campaigning within it. The verb [wage war] implies that these
pleasures are permanently on active service; and the expression “in your
members” means that there is no part of the human frame which does not afford
them a battleground. Human nature is indeed in the grip of an overwhelming army
of occupation.”[i]
The source of conflict is then in
your “self.” It is important to recognize this and admit it whenever you face
conflict.
World War I involved 32 nations and
it is said that 30 million lives were lost. Though the causes were complex, if
simplified we could say it started with the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand
on June 28, 1914. I propose that those who killed Ferdinand did so out of some
frustration at not getting what they wanted. Some injustice was fired up in
them and they were going to take what they didn’t get. Where did this desire
begin? In the “self” of one or two individuals who stirred up others to their
cause. A world war erupted because someone didn’t get what they wanted.
James uses a word for “desires”
which is the root of our word “hedonism.” Hedonism is the principle of
self-gratification. In the soul it is pride, longing, thirst for honor,
rivalry; in the body it is indiscriminate eating and indulgence. Hedonism is
the ultimate serving of self – and when that drives us in our motivation,
conflict will follow.
b) Your
unresolved conflict is destructive – What results from unfulfilled
expectations is not pretty. When you don’t get what you wanted, people will
hear about it and pay for their refusal to give you what you want.
James wrote, “You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get
what you want, so you quarrel and fight,” (2a, b). Were people killing each
other in the Early Church when they didn’t get what they wanted? Scholars agree
that James was not being literal, but used strong language to wake up the
believers to the reality of their situation.
Some feel that James echoed Jesus
when he said, “You have heard that it was
said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be
subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother
will be subject to judgment…” (Mt 5:21-22). Jesus thus effectively equated
anger with your fellow believer as murder.
Unresolved conflict is that
destructive. So when we are upset with a brother or sister in the Lord, or with
spouse or children, or anyone close to you for that matter, we must be cautious
not to unleash our fury on them when we have unrealized expectations. Worse for
you and me, we cannot grow in our Christian life and bear fruit if we allow
unchecked anger to cause conflict in the home or in the church.
2.
The role of prayer in reducing conflict
a) Why we don’t
pray
– This may surprise you, but James writes that the key to resolving conflict in
the church and in the home is prayer. He said, “You do not have because you do not ask God,” (4:2c).
Prayer is often scoffed at, even
among believers. It is not the first thing we do. Why do we not pray?
A story is told of a boy who loved
the Lord and prayed often. His parents were not as devout and also tended to be
slow in getting ready in the morning. Because of his parents, the boy was made late
for school one morning. So he prayed that he would not be late. However, he
left home at the same time he was supposed to be at school. This is unthinkable
– how could he pray such an impossible thing? It turns out the principal had
arrived to open the school and had jammed his key in the lock. Between this
time and calling a locksmith to open the door, the boy arrived just in time to
go in with the others.
Is this how prayer works? We tend to
be cynical and skeptical and call this “coincidence.” God does not answer
prayers this way, we say, and so we do not pray.
Spurgeon, speaking of a hypothetical
man, says, “Pray? No, I want to work. I cannot waste time on devotions; prayers
are not practical. I want to fight my way. While you are praying, I shall have
beaten my opponent…”[ii]
We are self-reliant, in other words, and before we pray we want to see if we
can solve our own problems. If that doesn’t work, we might pray.
We have a problem accepting the word
of Jesus when he says, “Ask and it will
be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to
you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks
the door will be opened,” (Mt 7:7-8). Paul said, “pray without ceasing,”
and “present your requests to God.”
The problem of conflict is rooted in
part in this: you have not because you ask not.
b) Praying…but
praying selfishly
– James then moves on the next issue on prayer, that when we do pray we pray
wrongly. “When you ask, you do not
receive, because you ask with wrong motives…” (4:3a).
This also contributes to why we don’t pray. We have experience praying
and praying and receiving no answer to our prayers. James sticks a finger in
our wound and says that the problem is not God answering but in our asking.
What is the motive of our asking? For selfish gain?
Craig Blomberg wrote, “it is much
harder to admit that our own seemingly more noble requests for good health (so
we can serve Christ better), good finances (so we can care for our families
properly or give more away), or a good job (so we can exercise our spiritual
gifts best there) can easily wind up being motivated by the even more
fundamental yet ultimately selfish desires to feel good, to be able to buy
whatever we want, or to gain some good reputation with others.”[iii]
Jesus clearly taught that prayer is
not to get our will done on earth, but to see God’s will done: “Your kingdom
come, your will be done…” Prayer is not so that we can use God; it is so that
God can use us.
c) Evaluating
the focus and purpose of your prayers – Admittedly there is very little
positive in what James is telling us in these few verses. The last phrase of
our passage will seem disjointed in this regard: “…that you may spend what you get on your pleasures,” (4:3b).
Let this be a
catalyst for your own self-evaluation. Why do you pray? If you pray in order to
receive something to increase your own pleasure (hedonism) you need to
reconsider your prayers. Perhaps you need to consider what your pleasures are
and what you really need to pray for. John Piper promotes what is called
“Christian Hedonism.” This is the goal of every Christian: God is most
glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.
Jesus wants to be the source and the
aim of our pleasure as Christians. Our desire must be for Jesus in a world that
desires everything else. He is the One we ask for; he is the One we seek; it is
on His door that we knock. To treasure Jesus above all else is the task of
prayer. Asking him for all kinds of requests in a humble spirit is our way of
acknowledging that he is God and that he cares for us.
In Luke’s gospel, Jesus tells the
story of the persistent widow who goes to an uncaring judge to find justice. He
ignores her but she keeps coming. Finally the judge relents and gives her what
she wants because she is bothersome. Then Jesus says, “And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out
to him day and night?” (Lk 18:7).
Now the key points here are 1) that
Luke explains that Jesus told this parable to his disciples that they should
always pray and not give up, and 2) that God is NOT like the uncaring judge,
but will surely answer QUICKLY (v. 8) those who seek him day and night.
So evaluate the focus and purpose of
your prayers. What do you want? Do you want God and what God wants?
Show
me your faith
The
source of conflict is in us, in our “self.” The reason we are in conflict in
our families and in our churches is that we do not go to God with everything
that concerns us. You have not because you ask not.
“The difference
between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but
is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict
is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have
the makings of spiritual community.” – Larry Crabb[iv]
The short answer to conflict in any
situation is to go to prayer. We have a God who wants to hear our requests and
we ignore a great spiritual resource when we try to solve our issues in our own
wisdom and strength. God wants to help, why not let him help?
Blaise Pascal was a Christian
philosopher in the 17th century. I want to close with his prayer as
a model for prayer for all of us in light of James 4.
Yea, Lord, I confess that I esteemed
health as a good, not because it is a means of serving you, but because with it
I could exercise less restraints and self-discipline to enjoy the things of
this life and to better relish its fatal pleasures. Grant me the grace to
rectify my reason and conform my feelings to your ways. So may I account myself
happy in affliction, so that while I am incapable of external actions, you may
so purify my thoughts that they may no longer contradict your own. Thus may I
find you within myself, while my bodily weakness incapacitates me from seeking
you without…I pray neither for health or sickness, life nor death. Rather I
pray that you will dispose of my health, my sickness, my life, and my death, as
for your glory, for my salvation, for the usefulness to your church and your
saints, among whom I hope to be numbered. You alone know what is expedient for
me. You are the Sovereign Master. Do whatever pleases you. Give me or take away
from me. Conform my will to yours, and grant that with a humble and perfect
submission, and in holy confidence, I may dispose myself utterly to you. May I
receive the orders of your everlasting, provident care. May I equally adore
whatever proceeds from you.” - prayer by
Blaise Pascal (19 June 1623 – 19 August 1662).
AMEN
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