BEAUTIFUL!
We are continuing to deal with that difficult topic of
submission this morning. And the difficulty level increases as we address the
contentious subject of wives submitting to their husbands.
Someone
has said, “Usually the husband regards himself as the head of the household,
and the pedestrian has the right of way. And, usually, both of them are safe
until they try to prove it.”[i]
Each of
our households represented in this congregation operate differently when it
comes to “who’s in charge.” Some marriage relationships operate under male
headship principles; others are more egalitarian, where leadership in the home
is shared equally between wife and husband. In our home, we operate under a
form of male headship – at least, that’s what Sharon tells me.
My
purpose this morning is not to critique or persuade one side or the other to
change your family dynamic. Rather, my goal is to present a biblical exposition
of the principles found in 1 Peter 3:1-6 as closely to what Peter intended as I
can. I leave it to you to wrestle with and apply them.
To
understand our text, we must remember that the overall theme of submission
began in 2:11-12. Peter urges his readers to reject sinful desires and live
such good lives that unbelievers will see their good deeds and think, “Hey,
this Christian God makes a difference in their lives.” So the purpose of this
section is the Christian witness in a pagan world.
That
Christian witness began with being a good citizen (submitting to rulers), a
good slave (submitting to masters), and now Peter encourages wives to submit to
husbands under the same goal. Peter speaks of submission in this sense as
something that a woman puts on, like an adornment, implying that it is
something that makes them beautiful or attractive.
As it
relates to faith, submission applies to both women and men. The qualities that
Peter encourages these women to adopt are really for everyone then. True beauty in a person can be seen in
godly conduct more powerfully than in words without conduct.
1. Beauty that overwhelms the stubborn heart
To understand the context of Peter’s words we must
discern the problem he addressed. As the gospel was proclaimed in the ancient
world, people came to faith. In some cases, women heard the gospel and believed
but their husbands did not. The gospel was liberating to women; not only were
they forgiven their sins, but they were given an elevated status before God as
daughters of the Almighty.
So here
we have Christian wives with unbelieving husbands. The question that is
embedded in the text is this: Why should Christian wives submit to
unbelieving husbands?
Marriages
then are not what we know them today. Under Jewish law, a woman was a thing, property – like a sheep. She was
owned. She could not divorce her husband but a husband could dismiss her for
any offense. Greeks believed that
wives should stay indoors and be obedient to their husbands. She should see
nothing, hear nothing, and ask no questions. They too could be divorced on a
whim. Romans gave no rights to women
whatsoever. She had the status of a child. Under her father’s roof she was his
child and he had the right of life and death over her. When she married, that
power was passed to her husband. She was at his mercy.[ii]
In each
of those three cultures, a woman was expected to accept her husband’s religion.
A wife who became a Christian was scandalous and she was seen as insubordinate.
A woman coming to faith was an explosive issue. Rather than incite rebellion in
households, Peter taught how a Christian wife could live with an unbelieving
husband and bear witness to Christ.
Peter
points to Christ when he implies that attractive behavior involves submission. “Wives, in the same way…” The same way
as what? In 2:13, Peter said, “Submit
yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority…” and in 2:18 “Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters
with all respect…” And then Peter underlines submission as being Christlike
in 2:21. So Peter urged these wives to be Christlike, which may mean suffering
innocently and silently.
Christian
wives were to submit to their own
husbands. They are not to submit to other men in general but to their own
husbands specifically. The goal of this submission is obedience to God first of
all and then the salvation of their husbands.
Peter
indicates that these husbands have not believed the word, the gospel, and that
they might be won over without words. These husbands have heard the gospel and
they rejected it – so it doesn’t help to nag them. Nagging is simply trying to
wear down by repeating the same things over and over. Persuasion and argument
won’t help. Peter said the only thing that will affect their hearts is good
behavior.
Peter
qualifies good behavior as “the purity
and reverence of your lives.” Another way of saying this is that the wife
exemplifies moral purity (she is not flirtatious) and lives in the fear of God
(holiness). In short, an unbelieving husband should see that his Christian wife
is a better wife since she came to believe in Jesus.
What
about Christian wives of Christian husbands? It would be incorrect to imply
that Peter was talking only to Christian wives of unbelieving husbands. Peter
speaks to Christian husbands in v. 7 assuming their wives are believers. What
Peter speaks to in 1-6 is the worst-case scenario. If such a wife is taught to
follow Peter’s teaching, all other wives would certainly be expected to obey as
well.[iii]
So the
biblical teaching is for wives to submit to husbands. But what does that mean?
The source of marital conflict comes from control issues: a wife can try to
control her husband to meet her perceived needs, and a husband seeks to
dominate is his wife to meet what he perceives are his needs. Paul taught in
Eph. 5:21 that we are to submit to one another. Then he says wives are to submit
to their husbands “for the husband is the
head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body…” (5:22). In
this biblical relationship of husband and wife, the wife’s submitting lifts the
husband up to prosper while the husband serves, not dominates, his wife to
bless her and help her prosper in the Lord.
2. Beauty that comes from within
Submission can be a beautiful thing when it is done out
of obedience to the Lord and for the sake of Christian witness. Real beauty
begins as an inner quality.
The
problem of looking on out ward appearances is not restricted to women. When
Samuel was sent by God to find Israel’s next king he was impressed by the tall
and handsome sons of Jesse. But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because
I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward
appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart,” (1 Sam 16:7).
Outward
appearance has become an obsession in our culture. We care far too much about
how we look, spend money on exercise and diet tools, and do little about our
inner qualities. In Proverbs we read, “Charm
is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be
praised,” (31:30).
In
Peter’s day, outward adornments were often perceived as instruments of
seduction; cosmetics were viewed as an attempt to deceive. “Cosmetics” comes
from the word “cosmos” which means “world,” as in worldly influence. Peter’s
admonition to avoid adornments makes sense if a Christian wife is attending
Christian worship outside her home without her husband. She gets all gussied up
and goes out in public – what are the neighbors going to think? She’s having an
affair; she’s meeting her lover. So to go and attend worship, if her husband
allows her, without bangles and make-up makes her intentions more clear.
Beauty has
a different source for the Christian than hairstyles and jewelry and clothes.
Not that outward beauty is a sin (Prov. 31:22 commends the well-dressed woman),
“But a beautiful woman who lacks inner
beauty and character is like a pig with a gold ring in its nose,” (Prov.
11:22). Halle Berry said this, “Beauty? Let me tell you something, being
thought of as ‘a beautiful woman’ has spared me nothing in life, no heartache,
no trouble. Love has been difficult. Beauty is essentially meaningless, and it
is always transitory” [iv]
Peter
defined beauty differently than Hollywood, “…it
should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet
spirit, which is of greater worth in God’s sight,” (3:4). Gentleness is
something we see in Jesus; gentleness is also known as meekness. And meekness
is not weakness, but power under control. A quiet spirit does not mean mute,
but rather tranquil or calm, not combative. A wife with a quiet spirit is a
woman who is confident in her giftedness and place in life. She is secure in
the Lord. A wife like this may be “quiet” and at the same time articulate and
persuasive in presenting her point of view, when the time is right. That is
true for anybody.
Outer
beauty will fade but inner beauty grows stronger over time. Inner beauty that
is of great worth in God’s sight is a spirit that is in tune with God’s Spirit.
When the world observes a couple of advanced years and marriage, they see
wrinkles and broken bodies. The couple that has grown in love over the decades
and experienced each other’s faithfulness in the sight of the Lord see
something different – they see a partner adorned with beauty. I have witnessed
these couples of advanced years and I stand in awe at how they brag (in a good
way) about what their partner did or said.
3. Beauty that was modeled long ago
Peter offers an example of what he was thinking about
when he considered true beauty. “For in this
way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn
themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah who
obeyed Abraham and called him her lord,” (5-6a).
A
“gentle and quiet spirit” exemplifies a heart at rest with God. The women of
old (OT) were, first of all, beautiful because they put their hope in God. They
submitted to their own husbands, not because their trust was in their husbands
but because their hope was in God. They trusted God to work through their
husbands and to work in spite of them.[v] I
like that last part “in spite of them” – it suggests a lot of grace on the part
of the wife.
Abraham’s
wife Sarah is held up as a specific example of submission. When God calls on
Abraham to pack up his life and move to a land God will show him, Sarah must
uproot her life, her relationships and connections and follow her husband (Gen.
12). God spoke to Abraham, never to Sarah, forcing Sarah to trust what Abraham
said of God. Another time, three angels come to Abraham and promise him that by
next year at this time, Sarah will have a baby (she’s in her 80s). Sarah
overhears this conversation and laughs to herself as if it were the most absurd
thing she had ever heard (Gen. 18:12). When confronted by the Lord, however,
she denies laughing and submits to Abraham as her master.
Admittedly,
this is an odd example of a “gentle and quiet spirit.” What we gather from
Abraham and Sarah’s adventures and misadventures is that she followed and
supported him when God said “go.” And when he lied about her being his sister,
she went with it (not a great eg.). But through all of these seemingly foolish
escapades, Sarah did not panic, or freak out, but fixed her hope on God. She
submitted to her husband knowing God’s purposes would be achieved because of,
or in spite of, her husband.
The issue of submission leaves us with a few questions
for our context today. I want to be sure not to leave wrong impressions of our
passage today.
First, must a wife
submit to an abusive husband? What constitutes abuse? I must admit that
when I began my ministry 25 years ago I did not know much about spousal abuse.
I have learned a lot about it since then through trial and error. Abuse can
come in various forms: physical, verbal, and emotional. If anyone is
experiencing any of these abuses they need to get to a safe place away from the
abuser. There is no justification for an abusive relationship – no one deserves
to endure that in this day and age. (this is true for husbands too)
Second, should a
wife submit to a husband who asks her to do something wrong? As Sarah went
along with Abraham’s lies and backed up his schemes, do women need to do the
same today? No, to obey God is a higher priority than obeying a deceitful
person. We must obey God rather than man, as the apostles put it in Acts 5:29.
Third, do wives
really need to submit to their husbands in an age of enlightenment and culture
such as we live in? Some will argue that the apostles Paul and Peter lived
in a time and culture that is far removed from our time and culture. True, many
things have changed and women today have an improved status and set of rights
than the first century world. I heard of a woman who fell into bed and cried
out, “Lord, I’m tired.” To which her husband said, “Dear, in the bedroom you
can just call me Jim.”
As
someone who holds the Bible up as a core value and standard for living, I
cannot ignore what Scripture says on this matter. Ephesians 5 suggests that
time and culture submits to Christology. That is, the husband is the head of
the wife as Christ is the head of the church. What that means to me is that as
a husband I must pattern my life on Christ. Jesus served his bride, lifted her
up, and died for her. I don’t see domination in that pattern. I submit to
Christ; so does my wife. And I trust that her hope is first and foremost in the
Lord and trusts that God will work in and through me or in spite of me. I
expect that’s true for both of us.
The rest
I leave up to you. Here is the Scripture. Now live it out according to the
leading of the Holy Spirit.
AMEN
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