* I am not sure who will read this blog but if a young person who is desiring to learn about ministry from a reasonably experienced pastor is willing to learn I am willing to write.
An older pastor once declared that he did not have friends in the church he pastored. He was rather a cool character and I wondered if he was capable of having intimate relationships with anyone. I decided that he was wrong in his position of keeping parishioners at arms length. My ministry was going to be intimate and full of close relationships with those who wanted to be my friend, or our friends if we could have couple friends.
While these warm intentions were good it seemed that there were unforseen problems along the way that intensified over time. There is an old story about a pastor and his family taking on a new church in an entirely different town. In those days people took the train to go long distances and this pastoral family arrived at the train station in their new town only to be met by a prominent member of the church. He immediately presented them with a new car of their very own. This seemed like a generous and special way to be greeted and welcomed to the community. However, over time their benefactor began to expect favors, votes in his direction, and that his advice would be heeded over many others.
Those who want to be close to the pastor, or who offer wonderful gifts, are to be held in careful regard. Do I dare say, with suspicion? To some degree, yes. In every church there are those who want to be close to the pastor because the perception is that he holds the power position in the church, whether real or imagined. Some people just love to be close to those in leadership. It is comforting and secure to be close to the one who is close to the Lord and who leads with a measure of confidence. For others it is simply a matter of wanting to control the head, to influence the direction of the church, to be close to the power block and be able to monitor the goings on.
One of the difficulties of such friends for the pastor is the depth of intimacy that may develop. A close friendship usually entails secrets and disclosed issues that we all face. We need to tell someone what we struggle with and find affirmation from this confidant. They in turn, if it is a mutual relationship, will tell their secrets in confidence. When matters reach a point of effecting the church, or you find yourself in conflict with your friend, how do you become the truth-teller you need to be as a pastor? It is extremely hard to point out your friend's flaws when they err; you don't want to lose the intimacy of that good relationship by confronting them. As a pastor this will happen. You will need to choose between being a friend and being a pastor. On that day you will wish that you had never made friends in the church but remained at arms length. You will wish that you had kept your hat on as pastor and had never taken it off.
There are times when I could not tell if a person wanted to be my friend because they liked me or because I was a pastor. In truth, are we ever able to take that hat off? We are always pastors, even when we are with our own extended families. Much is expected of us. So I say, you are always a pastor and you are always expected to act like one. In terms of friends, choose them carefully.
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